Dead Petz and Other Thoughts
I've never broken down in public before until I heard the news that my dog had terminal cancer. The first emotion that hit me was disbelief, and then, like a wave, it was full-on, hands-covering-the-face weeping. And really, it shouldn't have been that much of a surprise. My dog is 16, almost 17 (91 in human years). So I should've seen it coming and been ready for it, but I was genuinely devastated. It was one of those situations where you knew it was going to happen one day, but you delusionally assumed it would never come.
The vet was very aloof and professional, which made me realize how common this must be for a vet. I can't imagine being surrounded by so much doggy death on a daily basis. I'm pretty sure that's the reason I decided not to be a vet when I was a kid. You'll be killing more pets than saving.
In fact, the dog-killing-and-grieving industry is a lot more lucrative than I realized. Me and my husband returned home and, in a frenzy, just started Googling nonstop. I first went to Reddit and read one traumatic "dead dog" story after another. "Don't wait too late," they all said. "My dog started bleeding from its eyeballs one night." "My dog suffocated on its own blood and died in my arms. If only I euthanized them earlier."
Needless to say, this traumatized and terrified the crap out of me. So I started researching euthanasia and discovered there were companies who offered at-home euthanasia services. For $900, you can summon someone to your house to kill your dog for you. After that, they'll either cremate the dog in a "group plot" (with other dogs) or return the dog's ashes to you in an urn. For an additional $100 you can also get a plaque with their name on it, a clay paw print, and a lock of their fur.
Some companies take it one step further — stuffed animals designed to look like the deceased dog; weird figurines; Christmas ornaments; paintings; shrines. It just felt like they were exploiting people's grief. Here I was, completely naive about all this, wondering how a vet could marinate in so much doggy death every day, and meanwhile, here was an entire industry built on nothing but dog death.
The whole experience has been dizzying. I still have no idea what I'm going to do. My dog gets anxious when she's at the vet office, so it makes sense to have the euthanasia done peacefully at home, in her own bed. But then, doesn't the house now become a death scene? For example, if the dog is put down on a particular spot on the floor, will every time I come home I'll stare at that spot and remember my dog died there? How do you move on?
She has so much stuff everywhere. What do I do with them all?
Is it weird that I'm not comfortable eating or preparing food without a dog watching me?
What purpose do I have to wake up early in the morning if it's not to immediately walk a dog?
I have no idea what I'm gonna do.